I’m not okay.
For as long as I can remember I
have always had this void in my life. This empty feeling deep, deep inside me,
that you can’t quite shake. No matter how hard you try. It just sorts of stays
and consumes the life within you. You seem to have great happy moments. And
just when you think everything is getting better. Surprise…the feeling always
comes back. It’s just a matter of time. There is this constant frustration to
fill this void. Wish to find something that could ease the pain. What’s the
cause? Nobody knows. Yet you feel exactly the same emptiness every single day.
It leaves you feeling so empty and down like you are missing something somehow.
Something that’s a part of me, and once I have it I’ll be happy. I just need
that one thing, that special key. Answer to all this mixed nothingness. And
once I get my hands on it, I’ll be complete; because I tried
everything…friends, education, material stuff. And no matter how hard I try it
never seems to be enough. I know how people tell me that I need to think more positively
or the solution to all my problems is self love. It’s not as simple as that,
especially when you’ve got to the point where you feel numb. I so badly want to
fill my house with so much happiness that it just takes all my sadness away. My
childhood was so dark and angry that I always thought that in my adult
life…things would change. Somehow I wouldn’t feel that same; and I don’t.
Things aren’t that intense anymore but there is no denying that the feeling is
always there, and it’s something I can’t explain. I just wish it would go away…
I always thought that when I grow
up, things would be different. I just thought………things would be different?!.
You look at other people and they always seem so happy. And I know looks can be
misleading. But when you are so empty, you can’t help but look and think…why
can’t that be me? Why can’t that be me? Just cause I want that. You so
desperately want that. And you feel like you will get that sooner or later
because you seem to be doing all the right things. You go out, hanging around
with friends, talking and laughing, dancing to silly music. And in that moment
everything seems great. You. Are. Happy. But sooner or later that feeling goes
away…and the emptiness kicks in. I tend to feel it a lot at night. That’s when
I write. Sometimes I’m so overwhelmed with emotion that all I do is cry. And I
don’t know why…makes me feel like something is wrong with me. And it’s hard to
admit but easier to pretend. So that’s what I say; I’m fine. The feeling of
losing control just hits you out of nowhere. It just gets so messed up in my
head sometimes. It’s not like you can escape it, not when it’s happening in
your mind. So you beat yourself up and you beat…yourself up. Till you feel
so…small. Sometimes you can be in a room full of people, and still feel so
alone. I can put up an act and pretend to be tough, but deep down I’m not brave
enough.
You can feel so small in this
big, big world that all I have are my words to keep my sense of control. These
writings are my therapy you know?... A way of pouring my soul out, in hopes
that will make me feel better. And somehow fill this empty hole. There is no
cure. No quick way to fix it. It’s just something I’ve learnt to live with. But
it’ll get easier and of that I’m sure.
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